Thursday, December 24, 2015

Need Some Laughs?

Dave Barry's year in review, some excerpts:
In Paris, two million people march in a solidarity rally following the horrific terrorist attack on the French satirical newspaper Charlie Hebdo.

Eyebrows are raised when not a single top U.S. official attends, but several days later, Secretary of State John Kerry arrives in France with James Taylor, who — this really happened — performs the song You’ve Got a Friend. This bold action strikes fear into the hearts of terrorists, who realize that Secretary Kerry is fully capable, if necessary, of unleashing Barry Manilow....

NBC suspends Nightly News anchor Brian Williams after an investigation reveals inaccuracies in his account of being in a military helicopter under fire in Iraq. “Mr. Williams did not actually come under fire,” states the network. “Also technically he wasn’t in a helicopter in Iraq; it was a Volvo station wagon on the New Jersey Turnpike. But there was a lot of traffic.” A contrite Williams blames the lapse on post-traumatic stress disorder resulting from killing Osama bin Laden.

Abroad, Greece, under intense pressure to meet its debt obligations, gives Germany two of its three remaining goats....

In the year’s biggest literary story, representatives of 88-year-old Harper Lee, denying allegations that they’re seeking to cash in on the beloved author’s literary fame, announce plans to publish what they claim is her recently discovered second book, Fifty Shades of a Mockingbird....
In finance news, shares on European financial markets plummet when German authorities announce that one of the Greek goats is actually a highly modified squirrel.

Speaking of unnatural: The U.S. Food and Drug Administration approves the sale of genetically modified potatoes and apples, noting that they “offer many nutritional benefits” and are “completely safe” provided that consumers “do not anger them.”

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